How to Keep Your Potty Mouth in Check Around the Kiddos

Son of a nutcracker! The fine art of cussing without actually cussing

But, for me, it's just not how I was raised, so we try (and I mean try) to not swear in front of our littles. But if you are in the same boat as hubs and I, we try to get creative. The last thing I want is Judgy McJudgerson-PTA-Prez-Mom-of-The-Year hearing my munchkins telling her little wonderchild to piss off. Even though they maybe definitely deserved it. So, what's a potty mouth to do? Let's get heads out of the gutter and explore some clean alternatives to our favourite four-letter words.

1. The Art of Substitution

Ah, the art of substitution. It's like trying to play a game of Mad Libs, but instead of filling in the blanks with nouns and adjectives, you're trying to censor yourself like a redacted document. It's a delicate dance between expressing your anger and not wanting to traumatise your children for life.

There are plenty of ways to get out the frustration or tell your significant other to get bent without giving them the straight F%$k off – even if they are so asking for it. And when I'm feeling particularly sassy, I'll flip my husband the bird from across the room, of course. It feels good, trust me. It's like a game of emotional charades. 

But if someone cuts you off in traffic or you've tripped on their Tonka truck for the third time this week, sometimes you just need to get the words out. "Oh for 5-6" works or "For Crying Out Loud" or "Mother Trucker" has a nice ring to it, and it really drives home the message, no? How about "Go lick a duck?!' This one makes me laugh every time because even though there are no actual swear words in it, it does sound dirty all on its own. "SUUUUGGGARR" is an old time classic and instead of F’n hell I’m now using "Knell". My kids will say "Holy Shootballs" or "Fiddlesticks" now. They've heard it enough around here; it just rolls off the tongue!

2. The Swear Jar

Get the kiddos involved… because you and I both know they will relish the idea of catching you and giving you the gears about it. Why not have a goal to go along with it? Save up for weekend getaways, or if you really get colourful with your language, maybe it's an all-inclusive week? Hell, maybe that's a reason to pepper your family with your foul mouth?! It's for a good cause, after all. They might even thank you for it!

3. Take a Time Out or Get Physical

Instead of letting their little squabbles and shrieks get the better of you, move your body! Do a few jumping jacks, stretch it out, or take your little pirate mouth for a walk and get it out of your system. Or scream into a pillow! Giving yourself a mummy time-out is healthy if you feel like you are about to blow. We are human and can only hear the yelling and fighting for so long before we just want to scream, "SHUT THE F(udge) UP!". If we lose control of our spicy language, remember they are just words… apologise and move on.

Keeping it Classy and Positive

Our kids are sponges and will mirror whatever it is that we do. If we want them to keep it classy on the playground when that little a-hole budges in line, then we need to keep it classy at home. In a perfect world, we'd all be angels and never lose our cool, but come the F on, that's not the world we live in. Make it a game, keep it light… swap out those juicy words and maybe they will too!